Posted by Anonymous on June 25, 2001 at 23:32:02:
In Reply to: RatFest 2001 Win a trip to RatFest SOB Story... posted by Skotrat on June 24, 2001 at 08:49:43:
Okay,
This is my story. This will be in simple terms, since I am a simple man, and I can't speak as eloquent as the other fucktards that post their dribble here.
I can't afford to go to ratfest. I have no fucking money. I used to have money, but now, I have none. I once had more money than Bill Gates. You see, I used to be a porn star. Yep a genuine, dick in hand, dick in any hole, porn star. I starred in many a flick until I met this up and coming porn star that went by the name Rocket. It was no comparison. This guy could whip out his unit at a nursing home and still get it up. I started drinking and I got what is known in the industry as "whiskey dick". If you can't do the "money" shot, you can't make the money. I also put on weight and had terrible gas from all that booze. I couldn't even get one chick to do a scene with me because of my nasty ass (actually it started to look like Marshall's). So, I got the boot from the porn biz.
But that's not all. Nope, I was a smart investor. I had millions tied up in ant farms and swamplands down in Arizona, or so I thought. Some fucker named Ken Hall sold me a bunch of bogus land and some deadly African biting ants. That guy sure was a dickhead.
I was down and out so I tried my hands at building homebrewing equipment, but some asshole in California trademarked every fucking name in the phone book, leaving me with stupid little catch names like wort filterer and mash straining device for homebrewers. So I gave that up.
I had a little bit of cash left, so I figured I'd go for my dream of building a brewpub. I built a sweet little brewpub with the greatest beer ever brewed until I decided to change yeast suppliers. I went with my gut and tried getting yeast really cheap from the brewrat yeast bank. It was so cheap, I paid for a shitload in advance and sent this Strange fella a big check. Big mistake. Every batch of beer turned out infected and one of my customers got really sick from the beer. He was some long haired cockknocker who talked about the weather and smoking dope. I offered him a garbage bag of hops and told him it was pot. He seemed happy and left. I then tried calling this yeast bank fella, but his number was disconnected. I was nearly broke and thought I was going to lose my baby. But lady luck was shining on me.
Some poor sap who just had twins was going through a mid-life crisis. He cut his long hair and just moved out here to buy a brewpub. He agreed to buy my brewpub on the spot.
Well end of story. But wait you say? I thought you were poor? Well yes I am. Turns out that long haired pot smoker realized the hops didn't work as good as dope and set my brewpub on fire with the signed papers inside. It took 4 hours for the fucking Scranton fire department to get to the scene. Apparently some asshole fireman was serving them some of his homebrewed ABC or something and got them totally lit up. By the time they arrived, half pissed up and falling out of the truck, my precious pub was no more.
Did I also mention, I was 4 months behind my insurance payments, so I didn't get squat. They actually took my belongings and now I live in a cardboard box.
So in conclusion, I would like to get to ratfest to kick the living shit out the assholes that cost me my fame and fortune and drink all their fucking beer.
Signed,
Anonymous
PS. You fuckers know who I am. Pray that I don't win this trip.